Work Daze

What can you say about some who can't tell the difference between an office
romance and a tray of deli meats? To quote the estimable Mr. T – “I pity the fool!”

And I do. But there is one individual who does understand the link between a serious relationship with a hunk and a hunk of turkey breast. That’s Oscar Meyer. Yes, the first – and last – name in b-a-l-o-n-e-y is no baloney when it comes to charting the ossilations of osculations in the office. So involved are the meatmeisters in moving from a slice of ham to a slice of life, I could almost believe that sexual obsession is circulating in the Oscar Meyer executive suite, not unsurprising when the most exciting part of your day is shrink-wrapping shards of cured, diced pork.

How else would you explain the recent survey fielded by Oscar’s minions, the results of which have been recently emailed to Work Daze headquarters? “Office romances are heating up across the country,” the urgent communication states. “Single employees are engaging in love connections on the job.”

[In my day, love connections – whatever those are – were not limited to single employees. Obviously, married employees are having their cold cuts at home, and their love affairs, as well.]

Not one to rush to rash conclusions, Oscar Meyer makes their shocking revelation based on the results of a scientific survey. 1,046 men and women were surveyed by Impulse Research Corporation, which certainly should have a grip on the average employee’s basic need to grab onto something in these difficult times, whether it is a secure job or the new intern in human resources.

The results of this research project reveal that “nearly seven out of 10 Americans have engaged in an office romance at one point in their careers.” Considering the inmates and oddballs in the offices where I have served out consecutive life sentences, I don’t buy it. I think what they meant to say is that seven out of 10 Americans nearly engaged in an office romance. Like the time the new receptionist demanded you take her to the coat closet for a passionate interlude, or, would have done so, if she didn’t find you a disgusting, repulsive, old perv with the sex appeal of a turnip.

[On the other, she – or he – simply could have been one of the 40% of Americans who feel that a romantic relationship at work is “not appropriate.” Since this leaves 60% of the office staff who is looking for love in all the wrong cubicles, it should encourage you to persevere in your attempt to find Mr. or Ms. Right at work. To which I say – don’t let anything deter you, unless, of course, it’s another restraining order.]

75% of all surveyed admitted to having a crush on a colleague, and I think we all know how unsatisfying unrequited office love can be. How many times have you fallen for a hunky IT technician who has spun your hard drive and calibrated your mouse? But you never knew how to make your move. Now you do!

Don’t send flowers. Don’t write sonnets. Just give deli meats.

Here at last is the missing link between love and liverwurst. Follow me now, through the tangled reasoning of the sex-crazed Oscar Meyer execs. Because we American office workers are randy and ready, and because we are all working so hard we have no time to socialize, the invention of the “new hot and melty flatbread sandwiches” you know as Oscar Meyer Deli Creations, allows romance to blossom between love-starved wage slaves sharing a “hot and melty” lunch break.

Got it? Traditional gambits such as cocktails after work or putting roofies in the break-room coffee pot are as old-fashioned as chasing the boss around the desk. “Almost half of the survey respondents think the lunch hour is the best time of day to get to know a fellow colleague,” the survey finds. Assuming your collegial love bunny isn’t allergic to pastrami, Oscar Meyer can hook you up.

Now that you know that the way to a co-workers’ heart is through their stomach -- as long as their stomach is filled with provolone and mortadella – I can only encourage you to get out there and start lunching. And when the wedding bells start ringing for you and your office hottie, don’t forget who got you there.

Remember -- Oscar Meyer Deli Creations are perfect for weddings, honeymoons, and long dreamy afternoons together at the unemployment office.

I’ve never been more shocked in my life!

According to a recent survey from the Nosey Norberts at CareerBuilder.com, nearly 25% of workers admit to making up fake excuses when they’re late for work.

Personally, I think being late for work is an unforgivable sin. When you’re late, you get a lot of attention and you usually have to work hours longer for every minute you missed. That’s why I recommend that you always arrive at work on time, if not a little early. It also doesn’t hurt to announce your presence with a hearty “Good morning, fellow team members!” shouted from the depths of your cubical.

It doesn’t matter if you’re only talking to the few losers who actually come in early on purpose. With this simple ploy you will gain the respect of your managers who will ignore you for the rest of the day, allowing you to goof off in peace and quiet until it’s time to slip off your slippers, put your teddy bear back in your bottom desk drawer, and sneak out the fire escape at 3 PM.

If you’re a late liar, don’t think you’re going to get credit for the creativity of your excuse. I don’t know how many times I’ve related in graphic and dramatic terms worthy of an episode of “Law & Order”, the kittens I’ve saved from trees, and the baby carriages I caught before they careened down the hillside. My manager still thinks I’m a slacker.

As you might expect, the survey results show that a majority of the 2757 employers surveyed – 67% to be exact – “would consider terminating an employee if he or she arrives late several times a year.” The other 33% “say they don’t mind if their employees are late as long as their work is completed on time with good quality.”

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather work for one of the skeptics and face termination on a daily basis, then have to deal with a boss who has unreasonable expectations. It should be enough that, late or not, you show up at all. Who could possibly live with a supervisor who actually expects “quality?”

Perhaps the most surprising part of the survey concerns the specific excuses your fellow workers are using to explain the basic human desire to ignore the alarm clock, pull the covers over your head, and sleep until Oprah. Which is exactly the excuse used by 17% of the 6,987 workers surveyed. They overslept.

7% blamed “a long commute,” a particularly lame excuse because it opens you up to a management demand that you sleep in your car in the parking lot, like the rest of the underpaid plebes whose homes have been foreclosed. The same problem exists with the most popular excuse, clocking in at 32%, in which the tardy employee puts the blame on traffic.

[Don’t expect sympathy from your boss when you use the “stuck in morning traffic on the way to the office” excuse. It was your bonehead decision to go home the night before.]

I suppose there’s good news in learning the 73% of managers surveyed actually buy their employees’ reasons for being late for work. Could it be that our bosses are actually as dumb as we’ve always believed? You must have respect for the 27% who “say they are skeptical of the excuses.” Hey, if you knew your managers were so sharp, you’d probably never have floated that story about your identical twin to explain why you were seen dancing on top of the bar of the Kit Kat Klub with two of the new interns.

If the results of this survey prove less than helpful, the Snoopy Sallys at CareerBuilder.com have done us a solid by providing a list of the “most unusual excuses employees offered for arriving late to work.” I suggest you cut and paste in on the steering wheel of your car:

• “While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.”
• “Someone stole all my daffodils.”
• “I had to go audition for American Idol.”
• “I wasn’t thinking and accidentally went to my old job.”
• “The line was too long at Starbucks.”

Pure gold, but here’s my favorite, since it combines an excuse with a plea for a higher salary:

• “I didn’t have money for gas, and all the pawn shops were closed.”

Better get in late, early tomorrow if you want to use it before I do.

It isn't every day that I find fodder from a fashionista, but today I struck
workplace gold. And I discovered the mother lode in, of all places, the
style page of "The Wall Street Journal."

There among the late-breaking, leg-breaking news about the latest footwear
trends, like "power heels," I stumbled -quite literally, in my 4-inch,
Taryn Rose, peeky-toe sandals - on a smashing Ellen Byron "Tricks of the
Trade" column titled "How a Dermatologist Looks More Awake."

I must admit that, at first, I had little interest in how "celebrity
dermatologist Patricia Wexler" tricks clients like Natasha Richardson and
Christie Brinkley into thinking she is alert and fascinated in their
epidermal episodes, a deception she accomplishes by applying a "quick
camouflage to dull skin and puffy eyes."

Then it struck me! Even those of us who would have no problem looking
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed if standing toe-to-toe and eyelash-to-eyelash
with Natasha or Christie may face serious job peril if the big boss can see
the boredom and despair in our eyes. Face it - management wants you to look
fresh and dewy when faced with this year's version of last year's vision
statement.

Which brings us to Dr. Wexler's tips for tired eyes and the exhausted worker
bees who hide behind them. Fighting a lack of hydration is vital.
"Dehydration can make wrinkles more prominent" the good doctor teaches us,
causing the skin to "appear thinner and deepening bluish discoloration under
the eyes."

No question you need a thick skin to survive at your job, so you'd better
start increasing your water intake immediately. If you are one of those
people who find it embarrassing to tote a gallon jug of Three Mile Island
Nuclear Enriched Spring Water around the office, may I suggest that an
excellent way to make water palatable is to drink it with a healthy
additive, like 12-year old Scotch.

Applying a moisturizer is another possibility, but cosmetics can be
expensive and frankly, may not be necessary, considering all the crying you
do.

"Exfoliation is [Dr. Wexler's] next line of defense," writes Byron, citing
the physician's "microdermabrasion treatment of tiny, smooth grains that
buff away the surface layer of the skin" to produce the "fresh, pink glow
that makes you look refreshed."

Again, there's no reason to rush to AutoZone and shell out for a fancy vial
of rubbing compound. Just stand a little closer to your supervisor as he
balls you out for your latest, job-related blunder. The scolding hot hair
produced by your manager, combined with the lacerating quality of his
halitosis, will do more than "buff away" the surface layer of your skin. It
will strip the skin off your bones, leaving you with the "fresh, pink glow"
of a skull immediately after being dipped into a vat of stomach acid.

To help combat tired eyes, Dr. Wexler "looks for creams that include
caffeine, cucumber and yeast extract, ingredients that help deflate
puffiness." How I wished someone had told us this earlier in our career!
Instead of dunking donuts in our bad office coffee we would have dunked our
eyeballs. And when we drank too much with our buddies after work, we'd be
sure to have ordered a bowl of cucumbers and yeast extract into which to
fall face first. Those years of falling into cheeseburgers have done zero
for our complexion.

[In a pinch, Dr. Wexler "applies ice-cold tea bags to her eyes." Didn't work
for me, but I did have luck applying fifty-pound bags of fertilizer. My
manager didn't come near me for almost two months.]

It is when we turn from the palliative to the preventive that Dr. Wexler and
I part company. "She avoids alcohol, spicy foods and drinking caffeine,
especially on flights." For me, being completely sober on an airplane would
have my eyes opened so wide in terror that I would arrive looking like a
teen-queen slasher victim in Prom Night VI. On the other hand, lots of
alcohol lets me ride the red eye and still arrive looking fresh and alert.
Hey, if you want to stop time, what better way than to let yourself be
pickled.

If all else fails, Dermatologist Wexler hides behind big Jackie-0
sunglasses. "They hide her tired eyes until she has a chance to care for
them." Personally, I like to hide under my desk. It hides my entire body
until it's time to go home and use my eyes for what they intended for -
watching The Hills.

I’m not ashamed to admit it. I am head over heels ga-ga in love with Alan Sklover.

If there’s a Mrs. Sklover, I hope she is not the jealous type, because there is no way I am giving up my Alan. He may not be the most handsome man, or the richest, but he has one attribute that makes him totally irresistible – he is willing to stand up for thee and me in our ongoing battles with the dark forces of management.

I first discovered my legal love bunny when I came upon an article on his website, skloverworkingwisdom.com. “The 21 Necessary Precautions Resigning from Your Job” was the name of the treatise and I have to say I was impressed by Sklover’s analysis of the pitfalls that could befall us as we skip happily from our present employment servitude to the brighter, greener pastures of our next position.

For thee and me and all people who spend the majority of every working day contemplating how happy we would be working someplace else, having a Sklover on our side is like money in the bank.

And we will need money in the bank. As Alan writes in his legal love note, “resigning from a job, and transitioning to another, is deceptively complex, as the process is just loaded with potentially serious risks.”

For example, consider Precaution #1 – “Must you give notice?” Most of us dream of the day when we can tell our managers to “take this job and shove it.” It’s a daily, if not an hourly fantasy, and usually includes a dramatic recitation of our supervisor’s many professional and personal sins presented in a historical context and concluding with an Oscar-worthy curtain speech studded with inspired name-calling and general vituperation.

As satisfying as such a confrontation can be, my Alan sagely points out that if you indulge yourself by giving notice the traditional two weeks before you plan to leave you may find yourself in for 14 days of reprisals, not the least of which could include your soon-to-be ex-employer poisoning your new position before you get the chance to screw it up yourself.

Precaution #6 focuses on the issue of what you can – and can’t – take with you when you leave. Considering that you’ve spent the best years of your life chained to your cubical, you may have come to think of your office equipment as virtual body parts. You wouldn’t leave a leg behind when you make your exit; why abandon your computer, your phone, your carpeting?

Even if you manage to resist pulling the acoustical tiles from the ceiling, Sklover warns about going home with any information that could be considered a trade secret, like the names in your Rolodex or the bookmarked porn sites on your hard drive. My best advice in this situation is to simply burn down your cubical before you leave. And get a lobotomy. You never used your frontal lobes in all your years at your present job; why start now?

Precaution #14 warns that you should be prepared to be “shown the door.” As Sklover points out, many companies believe that the proper response to a resignation is not a two-week fade-out phase-out. Instead, before the ink is dry on the resignation graffiti you scrawl on the wall of the conference room, you’ll be marched to the front door by two burly HR geeks who will ceremoniously boot you out into the parking lot, after first turning you over and shaking out all the company-owned pencils and paperclips you have stuffed into the pockets of your poncho.

So, take the smart and honorable approach. Steal all your office supplies the day before you resign.

Precaution #15 concerns the dreaded “exit interview” and includes the one fundamental truth that should be branded on the cerebellum of every human who gets a paycheck – “Don’t ever believe your HR rep is your friend.”

Ask anyone who has ever whispered their most intimate secrets into the empathetic ear of a HR professional. These marshmallow-sweet and compassionate individuals who drape themselves with a cloak of caring are more synthetic than sympathetic, as you will quickly learn as your innermost secrets are typed up and sent up to management, with copies to the companies lawyers, forensic accountants, and paid character assassins.

This brings up the only problem in looking for love in Sklover. You could realize that the risks of leaving your miserable job are so dire, you might as well stay.

Think about it, Dude. If it’s tough coming back to work after a single week-end, imagine the strain on the psyche when you have to drag yourself back into the workplace after being out of the office for a year, or more.

It could happen.

In a recent survey, the online job site CareerBuilder.com had their survey monkeys interview 6,852 worker monkeys and came up with the supposedly good news that even after 12 months off, forty-five percent of respondents found themselves back in harness within one month. Another one-third of the drop-outs had dropped back in after six months of hunting and groveling, while a mere 14 percent were on the job hunt for over a year before bagging a space in the employee parking lot.

I say this is “supposedly” good news because I have no doubt that even after a year of cranking out resumes, the new hires knew within the first minute of their first day that a terrible mistake had been made. They should have stayed home.

If you are one of those people who has broken out of employment prison and now want to tunnel back in, or if you are currently employed and are dreaming of a week-end that lasts, oh, ten years, Rosemary Haefner, Vice President of Human Resources at CareerBuilder.com, offers hope.

“Employers are struggling to find skilled labor and are recruiting qualified employees before the competition has a chance to do so,” Ms. Haefner explains. “Even in a tighter job market, skilled workers re-entering the workforce after a leave of absence can find good opportunities and competitive compensation packages.”

[It could be true. Look around your workplace. I’ll bet your company’s managers are “struggling to find skilled labor.” Unfortunately, they’re trying to find these rare birds among the current flock of employees. As far “competitive compensation” goes, that’s a subjective matter altogether. Look how much you get paid to hide behind your work station from 9 to 5, surfing the web for bargain Ferragamos at zappos in-between grouching and gossiping with the other malcontents.]

“Medical reasons” are the primary motivators for most workers who have taken an extended period of time off. I assume these “medical reasons” include psychological problems, like waking up one morning and realizing that you can not possibly spend one more boring day with one more idiot manager doing one more futile task. There’s a name for this condition. It’s called sanity.

“Raising a family” is another popular explanation for abandoning the work force, but I think this is bogus. Every day at work is another day you are raising your family – your work family. I mean, someone has to set limits for obstreperous human resource vice presidents and nurture cute interns who are looking for guidance from an experienced denizen of the workplace.

Surprisingly, only 13% of the stay-at-home crowd cited “to relax and enjoy life” as a reason for leaving their jobs. Perhaps that’s because 87% of workers are like you and me – we goof off so much and accomplish so little that the best way to “relax and enjoy life” is to go to work.

The survey does provide some wise advice for those unwise individuals who want to re-enlist in the job corps. Many candidates “perceived a concern amongst employers that they would once again leave the workforce.” You could have seen that one coming a mile away. Bosses want to hire people who have skills, yes, but the most important skill required to get a job is the ability to look like you care.

“Yes, sir, Ms. Hiring Manager. Selling digital dental devices in Denver has been a dream of mine since I was 10-years old.”

If you have committed the unforgivable sin of leaving your post for some frivolous reason, like having a baby, or open heart surgery, there are ways you can prove your commitment. Chaining yourself to a fichus in your potential employer’s reception room shows you’re not going anywhere. Or arrive at the preliminary interview with a tent, a knapsack, and a sleeping bag. And don’t be afraid to weep mournfully when the hiring manager shows you to the door.

“If I don’t get to work here, I’m not losing a job,” you sniff. “I’m losing a friend.”

One other problem recycled workers must face is how to explain there time off the reservation. I suggest telling potential employers that you were federal prison. It’s harsh, I know, but it’s a whole lot better than admitting you quit “to relax and enjoy life.”

Here's the most important career question you'll be asked this year - are
you harboring a secret love of taxidermy? Is it on your life list to have an
artfully stuffed caribou in your cupboard and the head of a doe-eyed dead
deer in your den? No, not really? Then, let me ask you the question in
another way - if your boss revealed that her passionate, personal pastime is
taxidermy, would your first response be to visualize a place over your
fireplace to hang the family schnauzer?

Of course! If the price of career advancement in this rotten economy is a
stuffed schnauzer, then not even the president of PETA could deny you. For
the truth is - whatever obsesses our managers is not only our obsession, but
our obligation.

This poignant point was brought home to me by Jared Sandberg who, in a
recent "Cubicle Culture" column in "The Wall Street Journal," chronicled the
story of "Nan Worth," a worker bee who suddenly found herself working for a
man who was moo-moo-goo-goo over the Boy Scouts of America.

While Worth had no inherent problem with Boy Scouts, she did find herself
vexed by a boss who "adorned his office with merit badges and posters of
knot-tying instructions, began a fund-raising campaign, complete with Boy
Scout cutout in the lobby, made speeches about the importance of being a
scout, demanded regular status requests about funds raised, and launched a
knot-tying contest to help raise awareness."

Considering all the 7-steps-to-out-of-the-box-leadership blather bosses
regularly impose on us, it is a mystery to me why any employee worth their
coffee break would object to such a harmless brand of managerial nonsense,
but apparently, the good scout in the corner office soon had his workers
working overtime to practice their knot-tying skills, with a special focus
on how to tie the perfect noose.

It's one thing to contribute to the success of the company, I suppose, and
quite another to contribute to your boss's favorite charity, especially when
you suspect that the rate of your future raises will depend on coughing up
the cash necessary to fill the coffers of the boss's favorite charitable
obsession.

Of course, it is not simply a boss's charitable impulses that can rock the
world of the employee victim. How many careers have risen and fallen on the
worker's ability to play golf, or tennis, or chess, or tidily-winks. Often,
the skill one needs most is the ability to play dead. Sure, your boss will
loudly embrace the opportunity to shoot a round or two with a superior
golfer, the better to improve their game. But in the long term, what a boss
really wants in a golfing partner is someone who can be counted on to lose
consistently, gracefully, and without making it seem like they were trying
to lose in the first place.

In golf, counting strokes is important. At work, it's much more important to
stroke the boss's ego.

One tragic story recounted in the Cubicle Culture column concerns Paul
Karlin, a man who worked for a chocoholic. "If you want to stay in this
department, you are going to have to learn to love chocolate," a colleague
informed Karlin, who was one step below the chocolate junkie on the org.
chart.

The warning proved prescient, and Karlin, who didn't like chocolate, was
forced to accept a variety of bars, bon-bons, and bunnies, all of which he
hid away for later regifting. Hopefully, to his own direct reports.

One could argue that someone who doesn't like chocolate deserves any
punishment life has to offer, but there are ways that employee Karlin could
have responded to the situation without risking a file cabinet full of a
melted chocolate goo. For example, he could have claimed to be a diabetic,
which would excuse him from the daily chocolate dispensations, and set him
up for an extra ration of pity.

My favorite example of an employee suffering through the obsessions of their
boss is the cautionary tale of a senior executive whose passion was the
tango. Since his wife had little interest in the ultimate dance of love, the
exec, quite literally, dragged his assistant to and through his dance
lessons.

Personally, I am delighted when I work for bosses who make their obsessions
obvious right from the jump. I hate having to guess what my boss wants me to
pretend to like. If all that is required is to wear high heels and tackle
the tango, I say - let's dance.

I don’t want to make you any more paranoid than you already are, but if you suspect that someone is reading your every email, and tracking your every website visit, you’re probably right.

No, it’s not the FBI that has you under the electronic microscope. The Feds don’t care if you spend three hours a day tracking the latest antics of Britney and Lindsay on tmz.com and the rest of the time, selling the company’s office supplies on eBay. The person who has made it their business to be in your business is your boss. And the consequences of Big Brother Big Bothering you can be dire indeed.

According to the 2007 Electronic Monitoring & Surveillance Survey from the nosey parkers at American Management Association and the ePolicy Institute, over 50% of all employers fire workers for email and Internet abuse. Drill down and the percentages get every scarier. 66% of employers are monitoring your Internet connections. 45% are tracking your keystrokes. 40% of companies that monitor email actually assign an individual to manually read and review your private e-communications.

No wonder the economy is in such a tailspin. Businesses not only have taken their eye off the ball, they’re spending all their time keeping their eyeballs on your emails.

If this high level of corporate snoopitude is news to you, then you have no one but yourself to blame. Over 80% of the companies who eavesdrop into your private life at work claim to have notified their employees of their policies. This is absolutely no excuse since they probably made the notification in one of those snoozefest orientation meetings, or buried it in some HR manual you immediately interred in your file drawer.

One vexing statistic around all these e-terminations is that most seem to be based on the dubious moral judgments of your management. 64% of email offenses cite “inappropriate or offensive language.” Hey, what’s the sense of living in America if you can’t email a bud to vent, even if it the verbiage is deeply offensive, as in “my boss is a doo-doo head.”

The same “inappropriate /offensive content” excuse is also at the heart of 84% of Internet misuse terminations. This is nonsense. So what if you spend your days at www.saucypoodle.com, watching poodles dressed in frilly lingerie? At least, you’re at your computer. At least, you look like you’re working.

Besides, it’s not your fault if your company is not one of the 65% the AMA survey found that block connections to “inappropriate” websites. Like visiting your manager’s myspace page and learning that behind the harsh, focused, eye-of-the-tiger taskmaster who you see at work is a “macramé junky with a collection of over 500 Hummel figurines who loves to scrapbook.”

Keystroke tracking is another tool of the curious corporation. Apparently, anyone who uses more than 15 uppercase “Q’s” per month is a major security risk and must be fired immediately. [If you’re not sure if your company employs a keystroke counter, spend a morning at your workstation, idly entering asterisks. If no one comes running down from Mahogany Row demanding that you stop before they go crazy, you’re probably safe.]

If you think it’s safe to e-vent when you’re out of the office, you need a rethink – fast. 12% of the companies surveyed “monitor the blogosphere to see what is being written about the company.” I guess that means your “My Idiot Boss” blog could get you in trouble, even if you only write it during coffee breaks, and on the lunch hour, and all through the week-end, and while on vacation. If you haven’t been fired yet, it may be because your boss has not reached the end of first 3,000 pages.

My personal choice for the most awful outcome of all this spying and prying is the shocking revelation that many companies actually hire an individual to read the email of their employees. This practice does not alarm me because I don’t write incendiary emails to people within the company, and I don’t care what the office manager says, I was only kidding when I sent those two hundred emails suggesting I was going to fill her desk drawers with rabid weasels.

The problem with the official email reader is that these positions are hard to find. Talk about a dream job! What could better for born snoops like us than the opportunity to spend our days reading the electronic babblings of our psychotic co-workers and get paid for it?