Pardon me for being forward, madam or sir, but you are certainly
looking particularly lovely today. The glow of your skin. The
sheen of your coiffure. Let me guess. You've just used your personal
ju-jitsu to close that big merger deal and your 200% annual performance
bonus is in the bag. No? Then it must be your Estee Lauder Time
Release Moisturizer with BioMineral Water, or do you prefer Visibly
Revitalizing Solution from Lancome.
Well, no matter. In business today, it's not how well you do,
but how well you look. And as I believe I've mentioned, you look
fabulous.
If this kind of talk from a business man strikes you as somewhat
unusual, get used to it. Obsessing about one's appearance is becoming
such a manly pre-occupation that ESPN is considering moving the
subject of Dick Vitale's commentary from basketball to bronzers.
As a recent article in The New York Times points out, businessmen
are lining up like lemmings to let plastic surgeons trim, tuck,
lift and implant, whatever it takes to make them look less like
middle-aged cannon fodder and more like the dewy ingenues that
upper management prefers.
And speaking of trends -- which I believe I can handle in an executive
summary three words long, "Ice Pink and Platinum" --
"Does he or doesn't he?" may soon become the standard
opening question for CEOs at stockholders meetings these days.(You
can ask, but don't expect an answer. Most executives would rather
admit to using heroin than Grecian Formula.)
If you wonder why the nation's focus has shifted from the Gross
National Product to the products of Cover Girl and Maybelline,
one answer may be found in the latest press release from Revlon,
Inc. Not content with expanding their stable of cover girls to
Cindy Crawford and Melanie Griffith, the cosmetic giant has now
added to their Board of Directors corporate spokesmodel Henry
Kissinger.
If you're the sort of stone age type who still washes with Lava
Soap and brushes with baking soda, you might think that the only
one to benefit from the Kissinger-Revlon combination is the master
diplomat himself who will now get a chance to hang around with
Cindy and Melanie, trading anecdotes about Zhou Enlai and Anwar
el-Sedat for make-up secrets.
The truth is, with Kissinger on the Board, Revlon will really
be able to turn up the competitive juice. The fall of Allende,
the Brezhnev Summits, these are child's play compared to the battles
going on between Revlon and its competitors in the cosmetic aisles.
And when it comes to world domination, who is a better negotiator
than Kissinger. By the time he's finished, China will be dismantling
the Great Wall stone by stone and shipping it for reassembly in
the back yard of Revlon's money man, Ron Perelman. They will,
that is, if they ever expect to see Moon Drops Lipstick or ColorStay
Lashcover in their communal stores.
Naturally, the other cosmetic companies will not sit still during
Kissinger's ascendancy. Word on the street is that the Avon Ladies
will soon become a tad more aggressive in their selling style
once Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci join the Board. The manufacturers
of Clinque are expecting to increase their sales, too, if the
deal works out for General Colin Powell to take command. After
all, Revlon can suggest we try a kicky new mascara, but refusing
a direct order is a court martial offense.
Personally, I'm delighted to see American industry get serious
in its quest to give the executive suite a make-over. I say --
if a middle-manager has only one life to live, let him live it
as a blonde. You don't see anyone trying to downsize Uma Thurman,
do you?
Frankly, there's so little we can do to change the world that
putting on a pretty face may just be our best hope. It can cost
a pretty penny, but maybe if we all looked like we just stepped
out of the pages of "Vogue", office life would improve.
Doctor Kissinger, the sales meeting starts in five minutes. Be
a pal. Lend me your blusher.